WTHIWWP: Step away from the digital camera…
Sometimes things come to my attention which cause me to question my understanding of, and my membership in, the human race. Sometimes those things are profound, with life-changing social and spiritual implications that I can only hope to grasp. But, sometimes… well, sometimes it’s just about stupid shit. Stupid shit that I just don’t get. I don’t get it, and it leaves me with questions.
The news is always full of stupidity, but one issue in particular kept coming to my attention recently. And, goddamn it, I’ve got some questions! So let’s begin, shall we?
Does having camera on your cell phone mandate that you take nekkid pics of yourself?
Costanza!
What the hell is wrong with you? Is it really that much of a temptation? Do you get a digital camera in your hand, look at it, scroll through the pics, and say to yourself “You know what this camera really needs? A picture of my dick/twat!”
Or, is it meant to be a treat for your significant other? If that is the case, what the hell happened to the fine art of dating? Has the titty pic replaced the handwritten notes passed in the hallways between classes? Is the MMS picture of the cockus erectus sent to your lady friend’s cell the new “So… whatchu doin’ tonight?”
Are you that impressed with your nakedness that you think “Oh yeah… I have got to share this with others…”?
Did people always do this? Did I miss out on the Fotomat “two rolls of fuckpics developed for the price of one” craze of the early 80s, where I could send one set to my girlfriend and leave the other in a Xerox machine at the library for safe keeping? Or is this all Polaroid‘s fault?
Image by Circa71 via Flickr
And are you mentally deficient? Even a little? Did someone in your family tree, at some point, pluck and eat the fruit of that very same tree, if you know what I mean? Do you really think your wangchung pics are private? Don’t you not realize that the phone, the internet, the entire “cloud” of cyberspace is one virtual bizarro beach where all the nerds get to kick sand in your face, because here they are Charles Atlas and you are the 90lb weakling? That they “are God here”? They are highly motivated force of knowledge and pent up rejects and they can, and will, get your naked pics.
Which leads to the next question: Did you learn nothing from Lawnmower Man?!?!
I am God here!!!
For shit’s sake, people, look at that picture! Jeff Fahey has your peepee and weewee pics and can do whatever the hell he wants!
So, my message is this: We must stop Jeff Fahey. The more boobypoopypenisballs pictures, the more powerful he becomes. And the more piercing his blue eyes get. Which he uses. To look at your boobies.
I seez uR b00Beez!
STOP TAKING PICTURES OF YOUR NAKED ASS SELF! Especially if you work for fucking Disney!
END OF LINE
Food, Drink and Confusion: A Jackass’ Tale
I was having a discussion with a co-worker today and the subject of Starbucks came up. I happened to mention that I will order a “large” instead of using their Italian nomenclature. This is not because I’m arrogant “speak Amer’can English, you illegal im’grant” type. It’s only because I am 1) not Italian, did not take Italian as a language option in school, and therefore don’t really know what they mean, and 2) already in a state of confusion by the bizarre choices available to me from the minute I walk in.
Image via Wikipedia
I was raised on the simple things: a cup of coffee was a cup of coffee, a hamburger was a hamburger, a taco was exotic but still a taco. Hell, I never stepped foot in Chinese restaurant until I was 17 and had my own money, and happened to be dating a person who can check “Pacific Islander” on the Census form. In fact, this same person (whom I later married, but not for this reason) introduced me to Chinese food, Filipino cuisine, buffets, Starbucks, and toppings other than ham and/or pepperoni on a pizza. Oddly enough, they are not very experimental with their own palate, and I soon had to branch off on my own.
And that is where I run into issues. By my nature (ADD with a dash of OCD for good measure), I prefer consistency. If things are in the same order, the same way, all the time, the odds of my forgetting something or ignoring it are less. As a kid, I would take an hour trying to decide on a candybar to the point where my parents would just say “Forget it” and drag me out of the store, treatless. I soon got sick of this and decided that M&Ms were my favorite so that, when I was not allowed to take all that time, I could get those and get out alive. Nowadays, all growed up, I tend to eat the same foods at the same time of day, day in and day out. And if I can’t decide what candy to get, I buy them all.
Once in a while, I don’t mind jumping out into the fray and going somewhere different. Sometimes, I never fully adjust to the new things.
Starbucks is a perfect example. It took me years to go and order myself in a Starbucks. They were weird, with odd things they claimed were coffee in Italian sizes that boggled my fragile little sense of order. I wanted a large coffee with cream… how the hell do I get one of those?!?! So, I depended on the kindness of others to get me my fix. Caribou coffee is the same way. Given a choice, I would quickly head to McDonald’s or White Castle and order (and get) exactly what I wanted.
Image by animakitty via Flickr
And don’t even get me started on Chipotle. That place is the worst of all. A vague menu and the additional pressure of the person waiting to assemble your clusterfuck of a meal, while the yuppies behind you tap their feet and sigh impatiently. The pressure is too much. The first time I order there, I said got some kinda burrito and when asked what to put on it, I said “I don’t know… everything…?” I wound up with a 20 lb monstrosity which they had to triple-foil. “How the hell am I supposed to eat this?” And the next time, when they asked what I wanted the answer was “chicken, rice, that’s it.” Chipotle is a fucking madhouse, a tasty, fattening as hell madhouse full of crazy people who all apparently were born knowing how to order.
Image via Wikipedia
A lot of the time, I will go in and, in order to avoid the confusion and tension, order the strangest thing on the menu. Sight unseen. Often ingredients unknown. Sometimes this pays off, and sometimes it doesn’t. But, I avoid bullshit.
What’s my point? I have no clue, other than I realize I’m crazy. But, I wish these places did not have their ancient codes and handshakes for entry into their secret society of the satiated. I wish I had not just used that alliteration.
I may just lose it the next time, and go off all Howard Beale style. “I’M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I’M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE! GIMME A LARGE COFFEE WITH CREAM, A GODDAMN CHICKEN BURRITO, AND SOME M&Ms! TO GO!”
Related articles
- facebook: BOGO Free Chipotle! (consumerqueen.com)
- Starbucks’ Latest Market: Starbucks Haters (newser.com)
- What should you get at starbucks (wiki.answers.com)
Law & Order: Dumbass Unit
So, I came across this article on the AP News, because being a topical, edgy blogger is what I do, and I have to stay on top of the latest developments:
2,500 rubber ducks stolen from Ill. police academy
Image via Wikipedia
Now, I know the economy is still not all that, but rubber ducks? Really? What exactly is the thief going to do with 2500 rubber ducks? Is there a black market for these things that Dateline NBC or CNN have failed to do an exposé on?
This points to a much deeper issue, one that transcends economy and rubber ducks. It gets to the real core, the reason everything is apparently so fucked up.
We have spawned people that would steal a shitload of rubber ducks.
This story gets to the heart of all that is wrong with America right now, and what will hinder us in the future is not resolved: we have a population of fucking idiots.
How can we expect, as a nation, to every maintain our pride and glory when we are raising a population that values The Jersey Shore over NPR or Nova, the still supports the Michael Vicks and Chris Browns of the world, will vote T-Baggers into office without ever challenging their bullshit, and will steal 2500 rubber ducks meant for a charity event and think it’s the heist of the century?
Image by J.Gusto Foto Streamo via Flickr
I know that every generation has had it’s share of dumbfucks and has managed to overcome; reefer mad, sock-hopping teen hooligans in the 50s, hippies in the 60s & 70s, coke-snorting yuppies in the 80s, my slacking, give-a-shit generation (Generation X) in the 90s. But, it seems to be proliferating at a frightening rate.
And the danger is not that we will not have enough smart folks to run things as time goes on. There are a good number of smart, honorable, viable folks out there, as well as kids dying to follow in their footsteps. The danger is that the population will be too fucking dumb to vote in an intelligent, informed fashion when the time comes, much less vote at all. And an uninformed, stupid, scared population is exactly what keeps the wrong people in power and works against everything this country was founded on.
Image by nebedaay via Flickr
As I mentioned in a recent recording for the podcast “Where’s My Pants?,” I guarantee that every person who protested in Egypt‘s Tahrir Square, stood their ground in Tripoli’s Green Square, or burned Baath Party buildings in Syria knows exactly why they were doing what they were doing, and what they want changed as a result.
Meanwhile, in America we have more people voting for the next American Idol than the next American President, resulting in an electorate that is more concerned with silencing the evil that is NPR and the labor unions, than dealing with our current economic hell on earth and the two wars we’re involved in.
The rubber duck theft is merely a symptom of a deeper problem.
And the ironic part of it all: the prime suspect is supposed to also be one of our leading faces in children’s education in this and 120 other countries.
Image by debaird™ via Flickr
Ernie, you heartless bastard… if I find you, I will rip your fucking nose off.
Related articles
- 2,500 rubber ducks stolen from Ill. police academy (hosted.ap.org)
- Subjects sought for Gen X documentary shoot, Los Angeles (jenx67.com)
- Leadership and the Inter-Generational Divide: A New e-Book by Jim Taggart (changingwinds.wordpress.com)
