WTHIWWP: Step away from the digital camera…
Sometimes things come to my attention which cause me to question my understanding of, and my membership in, the human race. Sometimes those things are profound, with life-changing social and spiritual implications that I can only hope to grasp. But, sometimes… well, sometimes it’s just about stupid shit. Stupid shit that I just don’t get. I don’t get it, and it leaves me with questions.
The news is always full of stupidity, but one issue in particular kept coming to my attention recently. And, goddamn it, I’ve got some questions! So let’s begin, shall we?
Does having camera on your cell phone mandate that you take nekkid pics of yourself?
Costanza!
What the hell is wrong with you? Is it really that much of a temptation? Do you get a digital camera in your hand, look at it, scroll through the pics, and say to yourself “You know what this camera really needs? A picture of my dick/twat!”
Or, is it meant to be a treat for your significant other? If that is the case, what the hell happened to the fine art of dating? Has the titty pic replaced the handwritten notes passed in the hallways between classes? Is the MMS picture of the cockus erectus sent to your lady friend’s cell the new “So… whatchu doin’ tonight?”
Are you that impressed with your nakedness that you think “Oh yeah… I have got to share this with others…”?
Did people always do this? Did I miss out on the Fotomat “two rolls of fuckpics developed for the price of one” craze of the early 80s, where I could send one set to my girlfriend and leave the other in a Xerox machine at the library for safe keeping? Or is this all Polaroid‘s fault?
Image by Circa71 via Flickr
And are you mentally deficient? Even a little? Did someone in your family tree, at some point, pluck and eat the fruit of that very same tree, if you know what I mean? Do you really think your wangchung pics are private? Don’t you not realize that the phone, the internet, the entire “cloud” of cyberspace is one virtual bizarro beach where all the nerds get to kick sand in your face, because here they are Charles Atlas and you are the 90lb weakling? That they “are God here”? They are highly motivated force of knowledge and pent up rejects and they can, and will, get your naked pics.
Which leads to the next question: Did you learn nothing from Lawnmower Man?!?!
I am God here!!!
For shit’s sake, people, look at that picture! Jeff Fahey has your peepee and weewee pics and can do whatever the hell he wants!
So, my message is this: We must stop Jeff Fahey. The more boobypoopypenisballs pictures, the more powerful he becomes. And the more piercing his blue eyes get. Which he uses. To look at your boobies.
I seez uR b00Beez!
STOP TAKING PICTURES OF YOUR NAKED ASS SELF! Especially if you work for fucking Disney!
END OF LINE
I am always amazed at the delusion of teen girls, who seem to believe that their noodiepics will only be seen by their boyfriend. Do they not realize that their boyfriends are moronic teenagers too? And do they really believe that they are destined to be with the same pimply-faced guy for life, so it’s okay to send nekkid pics to him? Is this a story they tell the grandkids one day? “Gather ’round kids. Lemme tell you about the time your grandma sent me a pic of her boobies and her sexy duck face!”