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Film 101: Movies as Food

December 5, 2012

Not too long ago,  I was having a discussion about the validity of Transformers as an enjoyable piece of entertainment with the spousal unit or someone. They couldn’t understand why I would say such blasphemy. To which I replied

I was merely pointing out that Michael Bay knows how to make a 15 yr old explode in his pants. He is the perfect filmmaker for these movies. And, I hate to say it, but Megan Fox  in those shorts, bent over the hood of that car, could be this generations’ Princess Leia in the Slave Girl outfit. Young nerds everywhere are dehydrated from expelling so many fluids.

Me, I just a appreciate it all for what it is: candy.

At which point I began to explain my Film as Food analogy, which I shall share with you now. It goes a little something like this (hit it):

  • Movies like Schindler’s List, Gran Torino or Raging Bull are an expensive dinner at a fancy restaurant. Good food, good conversation, good company. With bread pudding for desert, and a good cigar & brandy after.
  • Leia wearing her iconic "metal bikini&quo...

    Sometimes, I just LOVE Zemanta. By the way, Megan Fox doesn’t even hold a light saber to this awesomeness. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

    Films like Up!, Lord of the Rings, The Dark Knight, or Star Trek, Star Wars are like eating at your favorite place (Taco Bell) and having your favorite childhood desert afterward (Reese’s Pieces Sunday from Friendly’s).

  • Films like The GrudgeTransformers, Dodgeball, or any Kevin Smith movie are like candy, like a bucket of Halloween candy that your parents didn’t check and told you not to eat, but you eat it anyways and love it, razor blades and all.
  • Flicks like Fantastic Four, Pirates of the Caribbean, Ice Age, or X-Men are like candy, but only when all the good stuff is gone. Everyone else got to the Mounds, M&Ms, Baby Ruths, and Heath bars first, and all you are left with is the plain Hershey’s with no almonds, Milk Dud‘s, green Jolly Ranchers, and Mary Jane’s. You take them because they’re all that’s left, and you kinda enjoy them, but are less than satisfied and not really happy about it.
  • Then there are the Rugrats in Paris, Dark Water, An American Haunting, and The Unborn type movies, which are essentially a  bad meal at a relative’s house. To quote The Sugar Hill Gang “mashed potatoes are soggy, the peas all mushed, and the chicken tastes like wood.”  You politely eat it, cringing inside, hating life at that moment, but eating nonetheless. Because you paid for the ticket, and the ticket is your mother in-law, and she is watching… waiting for a compliment. And all you can do is say “interesting” and pray that you don’t get food poisoning. I say this because normally one doesn’t go to these movies on purpose: dates, friends, kids, losing a bet; all these things can cause you to find your in a seat staring at the magical silver screen wandering if the people that invested millions of dollars on this shit are half as angry as you’re $15 spending ass is.
  • The really great classics, Casablanca, Citizen Kane, Vertigo and the like are fine aged Scotch and an authentic Cuban cigar. You don’t give a shit about food, because this stuff is a total helping of awesome all by itself. And you can have them all the time.

So, there you have it. Eyerait’s Film 101. I have imparted great knowledge upon you. What you do with it is up to you.

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Nothing to say.

November 14, 2012
NaNoWriMo Foods by eyerait
NaNoWriMo Foods, a photo by eyerait on Flickr.

Because all of the words I know, as well as every synonym I can find for them in the thesaurus, are being used during my NaNoWriMo effort.

In the meantime, here’s a pic of what I will be sustaining myself on for the duration. Because writing is hard.

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I just want to make fun of you

October 3, 2012

A few days back, I came across a post on Uproxx titled “This Wedding Video Will Make You Hate Love” which, let’s face it, is a pretty enticing headline. I watched the video, titled “Wedding Video!!!” and I was speechless.  It was a love song, “I just want to ride bikes with you”, by a rather exuberant bride to her groom for their wedding reception. It was, to say the least, a sickeningly sweet, sappy, poorly written, cheese-laden act of hilarity, albeit a well-intentioned one.  In fact, I watched a second time, trying to determine if it was legitimate or a comedy song for some YouTube channel.

“I just want to vomit with you…”

I immediately posted to my Tumblr, where I tend to put blurbs that are too long for Twitter, but not long enough for a full fledged blog post.  Soon after, I began to notice that the video was everywhere.

And countless other sites. In fact, as usual, I was late to party by three days. But still, I needed others to share in my pain, so I posted anyway. And to top things off, the damn song is still stuck in my fucking head. Move over, Rebecca Black! There’s a new sheriff in town!

So, why am I writing about this now?  Well, yesterday I came across this post on TheJaneDough.com: “Lay Off ‘I Just Want To Ride Bikes With You’ Woman.”  I’ve never been to the site before, so I have nothing against them, their opinions, or whatever it is they do on the site.  But I do take issue with the slant of the post, where the author wrote:

The music video has already made the rounds online, and while it’s definitely corny and annoying, nothing warrants the backlash the lady who created the video has received.

Really? Did you watch the video all the way through? Corny and annoying don’t begin to cover it.  However, had she stopped there, I would have been fine.  But, she went on to say:

… I don’t see a need to trash the bride for doing something nice for the person she married. Emily McCombs of xoJane.com recently pointed out that women are often smeared for openly celebrating engagements and pregnancies, and nobody should have to tone down their elation to please people who may not be as happy with their own lives.

The lyrics in this video are lame, but the woman played it at her nuptials. Why we should care how she decides to spend the biggest day of her life is beyond me.

Whoa… hold on a second.  Let me address this point by point:

  1.  I don’t see a need to trash the bride… – It’s not a need. It’s a right. Whether it’s people posting things online, a politicians latest batch of commercials, the performance of our favorite sports team, or the clothes people wear on Oscar night, we have every right to express our opinions on said activity.  Even the assholes, whose “opinions” consist of degrading, obscene, thoughtless drivel have that right.  The internet just makes it easier to do, particularly for the assholes. Is it right to be hateful and mean, to purposely try to be hurtful with words? Of course. That’s what make them an asshole. But, they have every right to. And that’s what makes us AMERICA!  (Insert favorite patriotic song here. It doesn’t matter which one. They are all just as sappy and sickening as the bike song. Yeah. I just said that. Because I can! AMERICA!)
  2. …women are often smeared for openly celebrating engagements and pregnancies… – Are they? Where is this? On the dozens of wedding related reality shows on TV? On the countless bridal magazines on the newsstand? On the celebratory displays of nuptial bliss presented by the media with their coverage of celebrity and royal weddings?  Granted, I am not a woman celebrating any of these things and getting “smeared.” And granted, there may be folks shouting at their televisions at this “entertainment” or “celebration” but I don’t think that counts. Tree in the forest, and all.  Are they referring to online celebrations? If so, I refer you back to point number 1.  Woman have real issues to put up with and obstacles to overcome in this world, but I would hazard to say, this is bottom of the list.
  3.  …nobody should have to tone down their elation to please people… – You are correct! However, the inverse is also true: you should not have to tone down your criticism of others to make people happy.  Now, most people will take the time to phrase their criticism carefully, trying to be constructive, in the hope that something may be learned from it. But, not everyone. No, some just get online and post “Your video is shit. You are shit. Die.”  Those people are the aforementioned assholes.  Is it a type of bullying? Sure, if you’re twelve years old. But, if you’re a grown ass person, you should be able to deal with assholes effectively and maturely or have your “Grown Ass Person” card revoked.
  4.  …the woman played it at her nuptials. Why we should care… – Let us not forget, she posted the video online in a public forum (YouTube), and had, according to one source, sent a tweet directed to the Huffington Post wedding section to advertise said video post.  It was not just at her nuptials. It was now broadcast for all to see and advertised for views. People don’t care about her nuptials, but they do care about some damn good entertainment. And this was definitely that. Or not, depending on your opinion .

The point is this: the Internet is a public place. It’s not like when a cell gets hacked and your naked pics get taken and posted. This is an active participation in the beast that is the World Wide Web, and unlike the people at your wedding reception, the people occupying this web do not have to pretend to like you. If you post something publicly, you invite both praise and criticism.  If you do not want those things, learn a little bit about the technology before using it, and find a private way to share with those whom you know will love you regardless of your level of suck.  Otherwise, grow a pair and take the bad with the good*. There are assholes, lots of them, but there are also people out there intrigued by your display, even inspired.  Take it all in stride. Recognize asshole as such and deal with them only when it’s worth the effort, and be gracious the people that offer praise.

And as a poster of comments, as well as a creator of things, I want to says “Screw you” to anyone that challenges my right to hate things as fervently as I like others.  If something is shit,  I’m going to say “I do not like this!” and if it is awesome, I respond in kind with an “this I like.” And if you or I, or anyone else, put material out for the public, we should expect the same, as well as the inevitable “Your video is shit. You are shit. Die.” multi-layered critiques. If you do not, you’re naive, delusional, or an idiot.

I say all three. Because I am allowed to.

*NOTE:  I feel it only right to point out at this “grow a pair” juncture that, yes, I do post semi-anonymously. However, I do so not out of fear of the opinions of others, but rather to protect my employer and family from the level of idiocy and dickness I sometimes post.  But, I do not shy away from critical comments or posts in my direction. In fact, I am usually the first to say things like “my blog sucks as a blog” and “my podcast needs something, like less me,” or “my tweets are fucking stupid most of the time.”  So, bring it Internets.

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WTHIWWP: Karaoke Hell

September 20, 2012

I give you Bob & Bev, singing songs like… well, like there is no such thing as music.

There are two years worth of karaoke-style masterpieces on their YouTube channel. I had a hard time selecting just one. I haven’t seen this many songs destroyed with such enthusiasm since “Kids Incorporated” in the 80s.

Enjoy.

Damn it, stores, quit fucking with my mojo!

August 29, 2012

It happens too frequently for my taste. I walk into a department store that I regularly frequent, intent on getting specific items in specific places when it hits me: they’ve rearranged the entire store.  Nothing looks familiar, nothing is where it is supposed to be. What the hell? Who authorized this?

English: A child not paying attention in class.

English: A child not paying attention in class. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’ve made it known in the past that I have issues. Lots of issues. Some of my issues include ADHD with a side order of OCD. I believe that my OCD is directly related to my ADHD in that it came about as a way for me to add some type of order to a chaotic mind and, therefore, life. I was particularly bad in my teen years as I became very emotionally attached to certain rituals, believing that performing things in the right order at the right time would lead to the right results. In my case, the right results would be that I would not have bad luck or bad things happen.  What I didn’t realize was that a majority of what I perceived as “bad luck” was really just the results of my whacked out ADHD mind which seemed to almost purposely put obstacles in my path and set me up for challenges. Procrastination, impulsiveness, forgetfulness, inattention, moody outbursts; all of these things cause me a number of problems during those years (and beyond). Adding order in the form of regular rituals was something I used give myself a sense of power over the results.

In those days, my rituals consisted of performing morning tasks of getting ready for school in a certain order, watching Star Trek at the same time of day everyday, and carrying a yellow comb (an obsession requiring it’s own post).  Many of my teen obsessive behaviors were eliminated, or rather replaced, when I joined the Army where there were nicely organized routine and method of doing everything from folding underwear to killing a human being that neatly filled the OCD void.  After the military, I hung on to those routines for a while, but eventually replaced them with others.  I eat my M&Ms in certain color order.  I open packages from what I call the “correct end.”  I have routines that I stick to everyday in order to keep my life in some semblance of control.  When change occurs that throws those rituals out, I do feel a touch of anxiety, but I am able to recognize the feeling, understand the reason, and do my best to work through it.  Except the M&M thing… I have to end on the correct color or I have to get more and try again.

English: This SuperTarget is where the origina...

English: This SuperTarget is where the original Target store was opened in 1962; in 2005 it was torn down and replaced by this much larger store. Roseville, Minnesota, USA. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

That brings us back to the uncaring, changed department store. When I shop, I expect things to be where I left them. I depend on it for my very sanity. I’m already breaking routing by going out and shopping to begin with. Now, you have the nerve to put things in a whole new location? Don’t you know 1) that it really messes with me, and 2) that you are wrong? The way things were before was the correct way. Damn it! This happened a couple weeks ago when I returned, for the first time in a few months, to my old Target store. I walked in prepared to head to the department I needed and-

-immediately stopped dead in my tracks. “What the hell is this?” I actually blurted out. Everything had moved!  There were groceries in Electronics. Electronics were in the Toy and Fitness departments, and damned if I knew where the hell they’d hidden those departments.  The spousal unit had to grab me and pull me through the store for a bit as I looked around with an appalled gaze. I couldn’t wrap my head around this. Why would they do such a thing? It was fine the way it was. Now, it was all wrong. I was actually surprised by the intensity of my reaction.  I experienced a level of anxiety, while nowhere near as intense as the old days, was more than I had felt in a long time.  I couldn’t shop or focus. My ADHD was in full swing and I was all over the place, to the amusement of the spousal unit. Were it not for the fact that I ran into my brother and his wife at the same store, thus providing some familiarity to latch on to, I might have left without even buying what I had come for.

Sure I could sit back and further self-analyze, or even go back to the therapist that attempted to treat my ADHD, to get a handle on why I felt so strongly about what is known as the Target Incident. But that takes time and money. You know what else takes time and money? Changing around a store.  So, I have a solution that solves everything and saves dough all around:

STOP CHANGING THE STORES, STORES!

You’re really fucking with my mojo.

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Top 12 Olympic Reasons List Posts Suck

August 7, 2012

You’re crusin’ BuzzFeed, tumbling through Tumblr, reading over reddit, and it catches your eye; the number, the clever word choice, the (often) celebrity or sexual slant.  How can you resist?

LONDON, UNITED KINGDOM - JULY 28:  Queen Eliza...

Getty Images via @daylife

  • The 21 Absolute Worst Things In The World
  • 75 Interesting City Flags, From Best To Worst
  • 15 Ways To Wear Pizza
  • 21 Animals that Support President Obama
  • 74 Reasons Why Kristen Stewart Really Messed Up
  • 16 Greatest Quotes From Hank Hill
  • 17 Of The Saddest Ex-Celebrities On Twitter

And the Olympics have only made it worse:

  • 33 Things To Love About Men’s Water Polo
  • Ryan Lochte’s 18 Fashion Rules
  • The 28 People With The Best Names In The 2012 London Olympics
  • The Queen’s 16 Most Excited Faces Of The Opening Ceremony

So, in an effort to better fit in and, maybe just maybe, increase my readership, I give you my very own list.

Top 12 Olympic Reasons Lists Posts Suck

12.  They often have each item on a separate page as a sneaky way to increase page hits and piss me off. 24 Hottest Hairlines in Hollywood, 24 goddamned clicks. Well, done. You’ve succeeded, and now you must die.

11. Stupid numbers: Top 27, 83 Ways, 34 Positions. Why? Who does that? List and countdown protocol dictates starting at even and/or, more often, multiples of 5 or 10. It’s the rule.

10. Hyperbolic, enticing titles: 17 Saddest Ex-Celebrities, 43 Most Dangerous Genital Markings. This is why you can’t refuse to click. Who are these 17 people, why are they so sad, and who is this blogger calling an “ex” celebrity? Tony Danza still has a lot of miles left on those tires.  And, more importantly, do I have any of the 43 markings and what’s so dangerous about them? I was told it was endearing.

9. They often contain items on the list which have no real bearing on the topic, like filler, further proving that their stupid number (see no. 11 above) is, in fact, arbitrary.

Alan Rickman

Cover of Alan Rickman

8. Alan Rickman.

7. The author has no authority, just an opinion. And you know what they say about opinions: you’re an asshole.

6. It’s the “Clip Show” of the blog world. It’s a lazy way to get a post and some hits. The only thing worse would be a list of the best posts on your own blog.  Note to self…

5. Often they’re just photos. No words. Just pics assembled from a search on Google Images. No, not Bing. I don’t care what The Amazing Spider-Man film has you believing.

4. Dumb topics. 15 Ways to Wear Pizza? Seriously? Fuck off.

3. Topical  but not really. A hits booster. 33 Things To Love About Men’s Water Polo, Ryan Lochte’s 18 Fashion Rules, Top 11 Olympic Reasons… well, you get the point.

2. They are wrong. Erroneous. Inaccurate. Mistaken. False.  Any list of the greatest songs in history that tops off with anything from the past 10 years (Beyoncé’s Single Ladies? Are you nuts?) and/or has no Dylan, CCR, Stones, or Beatles is not to be trusted. A “top films” list that includes Scott Pilgrim vs. the World: wrong. I don’t give a shit how much you loved that film and think it’s under appreciated. You suck.

1. Even when I’ve enjoyed the list, I hate it, and the author, for wasting my motherfuckin time.

So, there you have it. And like all stupid lists on the internet, it sucks, it wasted your time, added no value, and I got your hit on my blog for it.  Yeah… see what I did there?

Here endeth the lesson.

Get to know me!

July 26, 2012

I have begun a second blog.

“Second blog?” you say. “But you can’t even post regularly on this one. In fact, I suspect you don’t even understand what blogging is. You fail.”

“Fuck off,” I reply. “If you don’t like, there are billion other yahoos out there driveling nonsense for you. Besides, you only came here for the Zucol/Umcka  posts anyways.”

And those people run away, crying like babies.

For those who have stuck around, yes, I have a second blog. It is called Soundtrack of Me and is an actual blog blog. It is about myself and my life, told through the discussion of significant songs and their meanings to me at those moments.  For example, the current post is part 1 of a 3 part story of my discovery of KISS, Catholicism, girls, and popularity all at the same confusing time.  So, yeah. Real shit. Although, names have been changed, yada, yada, yada.

So, if you want to really “Get to know me!” then check it out. Otherwise, feel free to keep checking here for my irregular postings of absurdity and dicktitude.  That’s attitude with a dickish flair. It’s a new word. I made it up. First, here. Feel free to use it. It’s Apache/MIT/Napster/Megaupload licensed.