Product review: Zucol – cold remedy or black magic?
Occasionally, I would like to take the time to give some blog time to products that I have found to be useful or which live beyond-up-to their advertised potential, particularly when they are relatively unknown. Today, I would like to give a shout-out to Zucol™ Coldcare.
I have no clue how or why this stuff works. But it does.
In preparation for a long week on set of the feature film The Legend of Grassman, I decided to stock up on any and all medicines I could afford for cast, crew, and self. I came across Zucol™ at Meijer and I will be honest: the only reason I bought it was that it was on clearance for $2.00 a box. I did not even look at the package to see what this stuff was. I saw “Coldcare” and “$2.00” and was sold.
Well, it was not long before I needed to get some meds in me. I was weakened by lack of sleep and felt something coming on fast. I pulled out this weird new medicinal mystery and took some.
And, I kid you not, within 20 minutes, I was feeling like a new man!
I continued taking this Zucol™ stuff as directed through the shoot and I swear it was the only thing that got me through healthy. I was so amazed that I decided to look into this product in more detail. That’s when I noticed two things: the word “homeopathic” and the ingredient “Pelargonium sidoides.”
What the hell..?
Now, when I see homeopathic, I immediately think of alchemy, snake oil cure-all salesmen, voodoo, and shamans. Like the worst infomercial ever. Some dingy, blonde and a guy with a British or Aussie accent standing around a kitchen island in front of an audience and interviewing a scary-eyed, bald man in grease paint with a grass skirt, human bone necklace, a spear, and a top hat.
“Let me ask you something, Suzie. Have you ever been in a situation where you felt an illness coming on, but you weren’t sick yet?”
“Boy, have I, Winston! Haven’t we all?” The crowd enthusiastically and completely artificially agrees.
“Well, those days are long gone now with this revolutionary new product: Zucol™!” Crowd applauds. “And I have here with us the inventor of Zucol™, Doctor Ngrite Dnorunde Boukman the third to talk about his world travels that let him to discover this miracle sickness!”
“Wow! Your name is quite a mouthful!”
The voodoo, snake-oil, witch doctor just stares at Suzie. Winston continues.
“So, tell us, Dr. Boukman, how did you come up with this amazing new cure-all?”
The “doctor” stares for a long moment, then blurts out, “Umckaloaba! Mola Ram Suda Ram! Kali Ma! Kali Ma Shakti de!”
“That’s bloody rivetting! And what is this primary, all natural ingredient you discovered that made it all possible?”
“Pelargonium sidoides. Yub yub.” Suzie and the audience gasp and applaud.
And that’s the other thing: I don’t know what the devil’s medicine cabinet a “sidoide” is, much less one of the pelargonium variety. It sounds made up. And it’s the only active ingredient. All of the other ingredients are passive, slacking, filler ingredients. Screw you, malic acid! You’re useless! And there’s doesn’t appear to be any listing of what I would expect: zinc, echinacea, vitamin C, eye of newt, wolfsbane, tadpole tails, bats balls, high fructose corn syrup, and red number 5.
So, I am not certain if by taking this concoction whether or not I have forfeit my soul to a dark overlord, or if by healing me, someone else in another part of the world died or got sick. What I do know is this:
At least three times this year, I should have, by all rights, been sick as a zombie with swine flu. But, I took Zucol™ the minute I began to feel shitty and it KICKED SICKNESSES RIGHT IN THE BALLS!
So, there you have it. Try it out. Seriously.
Zucol™: Kicks Sickness in the Balls!