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Top 12 Olympic Reasons List Posts Suck

August 7, 2012

You’re crusin’ BuzzFeed, tumbling through Tumblr, reading over reddit, and it catches your eye; the number, the clever word choice, the (often) celebrity or sexual slant.  How can you resist?


Getty Images via @daylife

  • The 21 Absolute Worst Things In The World
  • 75 Interesting City Flags, From Best To Worst
  • 15 Ways To Wear Pizza
  • 21 Animals that Support President Obama
  • 74 Reasons Why Kristen Stewart Really Messed Up
  • 16 Greatest Quotes From Hank Hill
  • 17 Of The Saddest Ex-Celebrities On Twitter

And the Olympics have only made it worse:

  • 33 Things To Love About Men’s Water Polo
  • Ryan Lochte’s 18 Fashion Rules
  • The 28 People With The Best Names In The 2012 London Olympics
  • The Queen’s 16 Most Excited Faces Of The Opening Ceremony

So, in an effort to better fit in and, maybe just maybe, increase my readership, I give you my very own list.

Top 12 Olympic Reasons Lists Posts Suck

12.  They often have each item on a separate page as a sneaky way to increase page hits and piss me off. 24 Hottest Hairlines in Hollywood, 24 goddamned clicks. Well, done. You’ve succeeded, and now you must die.

11. Stupid numbers: Top 27, 83 Ways, 34 Positions. Why? Who does that? List and countdown protocol dictates starting at even and/or, more often, multiples of 5 or 10. It’s the rule.

10. Hyperbolic, enticing titles: 17 Saddest Ex-Celebrities, 43 Most Dangerous Genital Markings. This is why you can’t refuse to click. Who are these 17 people, why are they so sad, and who is this blogger calling an “ex” celebrity? Tony Danza still has a lot of miles left on those tires.  And, more importantly, do I have any of the 43 markings and what’s so dangerous about them? I was told it was endearing.

9. They often contain items on the list which have no real bearing on the topic, like filler, further proving that their stupid number (see no. 11 above) is, in fact, arbitrary.

Alan Rickman

Cover of Alan Rickman

8. Alan Rickman.

7. The author has no authority, just an opinion. And you know what they say about opinions: you’re an asshole.

6. It’s the “Clip Show” of the blog world. It’s a lazy way to get a post and some hits. The only thing worse would be a list of the best posts on your own blog.  Note to self…

5. Often they’re just photos. No words. Just pics assembled from a search on Google Images. No, not Bing. I don’t care what The Amazing Spider-Man film has you believing.

4. Dumb topics. 15 Ways to Wear Pizza? Seriously? Fuck off.

3. Topical  but not really. A hits booster. 33 Things To Love About Men’s Water Polo, Ryan Lochte’s 18 Fashion Rules, Top 11 Olympic Reasons… well, you get the point.

2. They are wrong. Erroneous. Inaccurate. Mistaken. False.  Any list of the greatest songs in history that tops off with anything from the past 10 years (Beyoncé’s Single Ladies? Are you nuts?) and/or has no Dylan, CCR, Stones, or Beatles is not to be trusted. A “top films” list that includes Scott Pilgrim vs. the World: wrong. I don’t give a shit how much you loved that film and think it’s under appreciated. You suck.

1. Even when I’ve enjoyed the list, I hate it, and the author, for wasting my motherfuckin time.

So, there you have it. And like all stupid lists on the internet, it sucks, it wasted your time, added no value, and I got your hit on my blog for it.  Yeah… see what I did there?

Here endeth the lesson.

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