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Film 101: Movies as Food

December 5, 2012

Not too long ago,  I was having a discussion about the validity of Transformers as an enjoyable piece of entertainment with the spousal unit or someone. They couldn’t understand why I would say such blasphemy. To which I replied

I was merely pointing out that Michael Bay knows how to make a 15 yr old explode in his pants. He is the perfect filmmaker for these movies. And, I hate to say it, but Megan Fox  in those shorts, bent over the hood of that car, could be this generations’ Princess Leia in the Slave Girl outfit. Young nerds everywhere are dehydrated from expelling so many fluids.

Me, I just a appreciate it all for what it is: candy.

At which point I began to explain my Film as Food analogy, which I shall share with you now. It goes a little something like this (hit it):

  • Movies like Schindler’s List, Gran Torino or Raging Bull are an expensive dinner at a fancy restaurant. Good food, good conversation, good company. With bread pudding for desert, and a good cigar & brandy after.
  • Leia wearing her iconic "metal bikini&quo...

    Sometimes, I just LOVE Zemanta. By the way, Megan Fox doesn’t even hold a light saber to this awesomeness. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

    Films like Up!, Lord of the Rings, The Dark Knight, or Star Trek, Star Wars are like eating at your favorite place (Taco Bell) and having your favorite childhood desert afterward (Reese’s Pieces Sunday from Friendly’s).

  • Films like The GrudgeTransformers, Dodgeball, or any Kevin Smith movie are like candy, like a bucket of Halloween candy that your parents didn’t check and told you not to eat, but you eat it anyways and love it, razor blades and all.
  • Flicks like Fantastic Four, Pirates of the Caribbean, Ice Age, or X-Men are like candy, but only when all the good stuff is gone. Everyone else got to the Mounds, M&Ms, Baby Ruths, and Heath bars first, and all you are left with is the plain Hershey’s with no almonds, Milk Dud‘s, green Jolly Ranchers, and Mary Jane’s. You take them because they’re all that’s left, and you kinda enjoy them, but are less than satisfied and not really happy about it.
  • Then there are the Rugrats in Paris, Dark Water, An American Haunting, and The Unborn type movies, which are essentially a  bad meal at a relative’s house. To quote The Sugar Hill Gang “mashed potatoes are soggy, the peas all mushed, and the chicken tastes like wood.”  You politely eat it, cringing inside, hating life at that moment, but eating nonetheless. Because you paid for the ticket, and the ticket is your mother in-law, and she is watching… waiting for a compliment. And all you can do is say “interesting” and pray that you don’t get food poisoning. I say this because normally one doesn’t go to these movies on purpose: dates, friends, kids, losing a bet; all these things can cause you to find your in a seat staring at the magical silver screen wandering if the people that invested millions of dollars on this shit are half as angry as you’re $15 spending ass is.
  • The really great classics, Casablanca, Citizen Kane, Vertigo and the like are fine aged Scotch and an authentic Cuban cigar. You don’t give a shit about food, because this stuff is a total helping of awesome all by itself. And you can have them all the time.

So, there you have it. Eyerait’s Film 101. I have imparted great knowledge upon you. What you do with it is up to you.

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